I'm in a very WEIRD place right now

I'm almost COMPLETELY lost... assuming that by "completely lost" would mean completely hopeless. I think the last two nights, i've come to the closest to denouncing everything I've believed in and ... then what?

I had wanted to say that this is just an attack of Satan, but for a while i told myself to be wary of saying such a thing and not actually believe it.

Yeah these couple of days, i did some...unofficial, half-intelligent self-evaluations...and there was a point when i thought..."i don't know what it means to love GOD...and if this is the case, then how do i even know who God is?"

Lies!

LIES!

i want to say they're all lies...i just want to blame someone...anyone.

i worry so much about how people will think about me...



A brother said something that hit me hard recently during a deep smallgroup session, where we shared our troubles and struggles, and the common theme of being lost and feeling unauthentic. He said that he was glad to hear us (some other brothers)open up to each other, but was sorta surprised to hear it from us, because he had, in his mind, placed us on the top 5 most spiritual people in CCF. At first i just joked, "Guess we're just THAT good at faking it."

the truth is....i'm just THAT lost.


but all that was not what puts me in a weird place right now.

It's that the God who i can't see, the God who i can't touch, the God who i can't feel love for.....is...still holding on to me?...or....in a more sadistic way of putting it....my emotions are so fickle, and upon hearing, or seeing someone beautiful, i can't help but FEEEEEL there IS a God, and that He DOES care.

Weird: i feel God when i think He doesn't exist, and when i know He exists, i don't feel Him. there's this separation of my logic and emotion. And i think back to the definition of Love that Voddie provided, where love is AN ACT OF THE WILL...but it is also ACCOMPANIED BY EMOTIONS.

but the question is....would i still feel HIM if i never believed HIM? Why do i still attribute the faint hope i feel as His hope?

Drew Brown has a song, and the first verse of it is:

You lose yourself to find yourself again

you hold your breath just to get your second wind

and you curse the sky to make me bleed again

you're not fast enough to outrun the truth,

and you know i'm right; it's killing you.

and the chorus is simply:

Give me all you've got, i can take it

show me what you've got, i'm always ready

REACH OUT for love!

cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you.....

i take it back...it's not as much as being in a weird place as it is just me being weird.

Jeremiah

In the process of reading Jeremiah, i'm seeing a lot of pain and suffering in GOD. As He's spelling out the punishment for His people, i can't help but feel God Almighty choking as He's saying it.

Is it too much for me to attribute such (weak) characteristic on God? Should i read it all as Him just laying the smack down on Jerusalem just cuz the Jew have disobeyed? At times it feels like that...as Jeremiah laments on behave of the Jews, but God seems to disregard Jeremiah's plea and intercession, and continues His rant against the Jews.

I'm only up to chap 9, but so far, it has been an emotional ride for both Jeremiah and God.

I also kept, subconsciously, relating my own disobedience to that of the Jews...and wondering if my own current disarray is a result of it.

of course, my situation is different in that, Christ is a main factor that changes the consequences. Or does it? I'm being refined and tested, just as God was doin to the Jews...He promised to destroy, but not completely, His people, as the consequence of their disobedience. Christ's salvation does not mean God will not "not completely destroy" me. God still refines those He loves.

Hong Kong part 2 - coming back

Praise God for many things.

He has revealed a lot about Himself and myself to me during the 2 weeks i was in HK.

But coming back...i'm lost again.

so many life uncertainties have gotten me wondering about MY life's certainties. WHat is CERTAIN in my life? what is true in my life?

I have been dwelling on my own identity for the past few weeks, and i guess i should thank God for making me think about it now rather than later. Aside from the most obvious answers...no not aside....more like....i'm rethinking the most obvious answers. Who am i? the most "obvious" one would be: God's child. But what does that mean, exactly? what does that entail, involve, include, imply? more importantly, DO I EVEN UNDERSTAND IT WHEN I PROCLAIM IT? and CAN I SAY I UNDERSTAND IT, EVER?

I've also been feeling like i don't belong anywhere. guess that comes with the lack of identity.

Lord God, tell me, Who am i? and What am i doing here? You started this, plz finish it.

Hong Kong

Pray for this battlefield, for me and for the city.

I had tons to say when i was on the streets, but now that i'm on the comp, i can't seem to spell it out.

It just feels weird being here. I feel uncomfortable, insecure, dirty, out of place, and alone, even though there are 6.5 million other human beings residing here. i just can't seem to relate to these people. there it is again!... "these people" Everytime i see a caucasian or hear someone speak english, i just want to jump in and say, I"M ONE OF YOU!....why?

I'm also bombarded with temptation everywhere i go...and i'm more tempted to cave in because of the fact that i'll probably never see anybody here ever again, and that i don't have to face the shame if i get caught....

I'll be honest with you, reader, that i've found (accidentally) a red-light district full of strip-joints and caucasian bars. I can't say that this is the first time i'm tempted to enter either of those, but now i'm....i felt drawn by these evil places, like i HAVE to seize this opportunity to do something that my body yearns for. i ran out of that area, screaming in my head, "GOD, you and I will be victorious. You and I can beat this."


It's gonna be a loooooong 9 days left here.

love to tell you more..but...i mean....what else is left to tell?