Wake up, Jesus!!

So after this surreal week with Jesus, we can totally see his fatigue. I guess that's why he wanted to cross the lake. As soon as we put out to deeper waters, Jesus was OUT! Like...snoring, sprawled out on the pillow...out.

After some 15mins, Peter started to look worried... I didn't know why... oh? rain? ...within 3 mins, the boat rocked enough for an amateur sailor like me to know we needed to get the heck out of here.

Let me tell you: It JUST came. The only warning we had? Peter's look.

Wave after wave, the waters crashed into our little fishing boat. Our worries turn to panic, and then to HYSTERIA! At one point we tried to find cargo to dump....but we had nothing to dump!

Wait...where's Jesus!? JESUS!?! There he was...still....SLEEPING?? No way can a man sleep through this...SOMEONE WAKE HIM!! DAMN IT, WE ...WE MIGHT NOT LIVE THROUGH THIS AND HE SLEEPS?!

Someone finally shakes him. Master! Do you not care if we live or die?! HELP US!!!



Jesus gets up. Stumbles to the front of the boat. Somehow our attention, for a brief moment, shifted completely to him. He puts up his hand, and with authority, says, "Silence! Be still."


And...there was silence...and it was still.








How is this possible...? Our mouths gaped open in fear and... fear. This is not possible... or is it? Before I even have the time to ponder some more, He turns and stares at us. We feel ourselves shrink back a little, not sure what just happened and what ... is He, that even the waves and winds obey him!?...

He stares at all of us, but ...i feel like he's just staring at me. Then, oh man...

"Why are you so afraid?..."


Say what? Were...were we not supposed to be scared?! WHAT THE...


"...Do you still have no faith?"

Oh my. That...hurt. He didn't say it to hurt us. No, He couldn't have said it more lovingly. It was something else. In the mess that is my mind, something clicked. And I hate myself for it. MY GOODNESS, MAN!! WASN'T IT JUST A FEW DAYS AGO WHEN THIS MAN FED 5 THOUSAND?! AND DIDN'T WE WITNESS HIM HEAL THE BLIND, SICK, DEMON-POSSESSED?? DID WE NOT ENTRUST OUR LIVES TO HIM, BECAUSE WE BELIEVED HE WAS THE ACTUAL SON OF GOD?! Why...why do I still have no faith?

I wanted to beg him to forgive me. I wanted to bow and weep and bawl. All I was able to do, though, was... no... i just couldn't do anything.

Wow.... In the mist of the fear, shock, and pain, there was hope. Hope for us, but also, hope for the world.

I want to tell you but I can't.

... that's all i can say!

Disowning Jesus?

Mark 14:66-72; Matthew 26:69-75; Luke 22:56-62; John 18:16-18, 25-27

What makes this a story of impact is the predictability of it.

You have to turn a few pages back and really put yourself in that attic room with Jesus and the boys, and really feel that tension and discomfort as Jesus says to Peter, "You will disown me THREE times tonight."

Can you do that? I really can't...Why would Jesus say it? Just to fulfill scripture in Zechariah? Or at least, forewarn them of the upcoming fulfillment of scriptures BY the disciples? What went on in Jesus' mind at this point? Did He expect his disciples to just accept this? Was He pleased with their vocal convictions about willing to die before even thinking about leaving Jesus? John Mark, author of the Gospel of Mark, was the only one to record the reaction of the boys to Jesus' painful prediction. I suspect this is because John Mark consulted Peter a lot while writing this account, and Peter...well... he was broken the most from this event than all the disciples. He must have recalled his own reaction most vividly. He IS called the Rock, after all, and before that steady faith we know Peter for after Jesus' ascension, that same steady faith can be seen as a commoner's stubbornness. He just won't let it happen! "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SCRIPTURES SAY, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DENY YOU!" I laugh, but I feel that same confusion! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SAY IN THAT SITUATION?!!

In John's Gospel, Jesus is recorded to say, "Will you REALLY lay down your life for me?..." What a challenge!!

On the FLIPSIDE...what would have happened if Peter, and the other Boyz, for that matter, DID lay their lives down for Jesus, with Jesus? I'm thinking, and loving, how this story is turning out. Like Joseph being sold to Egypt, the disciples are... unaware, again, of the bigger picture? Peter (in John) asks, "Lord, where are you going?"
"Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later."
"Lord, why can't I follow you NOW? I will lay down my life for you."

Jesus' next words seem to sound more like: "Oh Peter, you just won't. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

As you probably know...Peter become that important capstone of the first church. His testimony was definitely more crucial than if he were to be executed alongside Jesus.

BUT WHAT CHANGE IN CHARACTER!! He was later crucified UPSIDEDOWN for Christ's account. This was the man who called down curses on himself after someone in the courts identified him to be one of the JC's boys for the 3rd time.

What's to be taken from this? I really don't know. For me, it's 3 things:
1) When the time comes, will i REALLY lay my life down?
2) Character change is actually in God's timing.
3) Look at the bigger picture.

I'm not gonna come up with any applications for this. I hope you think about it yourself. I actually just don't know...

Meaning of My Life

Back from the most meaningful trip of my life, ever. I'll talk about it with ya but i won't write it out for the general public....there was just too much that happened. And it was all in a matter of 6 weeks! God is amazing. His love is beyond our understanding, but that doesn't stop Him from pouring it out. I saw His love and wisdom in action, and what's more, He allowed me to take part in it!...man. How great is our GOD!!!

There's so much to be done here, but there's definitely more to be done there....God, will you use me to the fullest? It is at your service where I am fulfilled. Not satisfying my own wants, but letting you satisfy me. You gave me your utmost. I must give my utmost back.

I looked back into my blogs, not wanting to believe what people have told me about them. Few of my friends have read this and said it was good... i still don't understand, but as i read my entries again, i was touched at how...uhh...i guess...at the fact that i'm still alive! There was soooo much guilt and shame and torturous darkness. Where did that perseverance come from? where did that hope come from? Now i know...hahaha....(that was a laugh of content) that it was really the Spirit of God. And maybe it's that Spirit that blesses others when they read about how loving the Lord is!...and so i'll believe you guys for now. =P

Living Praise - by david crowder

Psalm 50 (the message)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2050;&version=65;

In junior high, i was quite teh jokester. Now i am quite dull, but back then i had routines. WEll-rehearsed lines that were sure to retrieve a few chuckles from my classmates. One of my favorite bits was as follows:

First i wold spot a group of peers. THe larger the better. No less than seven. They were required to be in a disorganised clump but close enough in proximity to one another for the unaided human voice to reach each individual.
Once i spotted the proper environment i would then project my voice with a weight of importance, indicating the necessity of promptness in response. Some phrases that might be used were "Hey, come here." "EVeryone. Pay attention. Over here." "Come close!" "Closer." "Really. Everyone lean in." "Quiet now. Listen." "I have something to say." After i had ensured complete silence and every eye was locked to mine, i would wait. I would silently look from person to person to person with a slightly approving grin. Inevitably, someone's patience would cease and he or she would say, "What?!" in a raised, aggravated tone. In response, i would allow the grin to grow, to creeep over my face, blooming into full smile. Then I, with utmost timing, would unleach the punch line: "I just wanted to be the center of attention."
Of course, then I would receive punches and some small amount of verbal abuse, but it was so worth it. I was always worth it. It never got old. Everytime I executed it with passion, and everytime they fell for it. The story of some boy crying wolf was lost on me. The moral never hit home. I was sure that this bo doing the crying wasn't passionate enough. He never sold it. I, on the other hand, could sell it everytime.

Psalm 50 starts with what must be one of the grandest statements of history. GOD informs us that He is about to speak. And if there is confusion about which god, well it's God the God of gods - GOD. You know, Caps Lock GOD. I'm pretty sure no other gods get the Caps Lock key. When Caps Lock happens it indicates a translating o fthe personal name of God. THe one revealed to Moses at teh burning bush. You will see it in some translations as LORD. Caps Lock. Caps Lock GOD doesn't show up to make a meek request, "Um, Excuse me. Uh, okay, I'm about to say a few things, if I could have your attention please." No, this is not what happens. His entrance is huge!! He speak - no, shouts - "Earth!" Whoa. The hair on the back of my neck just stood up. THis voice could split you apart. GOD shows up shining, scattering glitterd beams everywhere, His magnificent splendor on display. THe whole of the Heavens are summoned. All of the cosmos is at attention. This is HUGE! It is our Creator who is about to speak. The One who started this all is about to open His mouth as judge.

He starts the proceedings with good news. He states that He doesn't find fault with Israel's blood sacrifices. But then He begins to question. He asks why He should want them? Did He not create teh bull and the goat? DO we think He is hungry and in need of them to feast on? Is He thirsty and the thing fit to quench such thirst is the blood of a freshly slain lamb? THen after this rhetorical line of questioning, He makes what i think could be a defining statement for our understanding of praise. The sacrifice Caps Lock GOD is looking for....praise.

What? Isn't that like calling us all together to say, "Hey, I just wanted to be the center of attention"? Let me try to reframe GOD's address and perhaps make it cut a little more for our moment.

"I don't find fault with your singing of songs. But do you think I'm in great need of music? Do you think it is too quiet where I am? Did I not make the air molecules to vibrate and dance in such a way to let melody float from here to there? DO you think I am in great need of hearing these songs that were my breathings in the first place?"

We may argue, "Isn't that praise? Songs = Praise, right?" I think they're more like burnt offerings. The good news is that GOD doesn't find fault with our song offerings. THere's nothing wrong with them. In fact, they can be beautiful expressions. But often they're nothing more than ritual, and at their worstthey can even be provoking to GOD. Well then, what is He looking for? What is this praise He's after? It is Praise Living. It is GOD leaning in and shouting, " I am the center!" and the sum of our lives nodding back in agreement. It is the core of our hearts echoing this statement. THe difference between my juvenile prank and teh statement GOD makes is that He speaks the facts. He is not begging to be the center - He is the center. He is the source. Our songs might verbalise and echo that at times, but so what? It is the nuts and bolts of our living that indicate if we really think this is truth. I would be so bold as to say eating barbeque and wearing the sauce on your fingers and face and a grin as big as Texas with the knowledge that Caps Lock GOD is at the centre of this can be truer praise than belting this "song ritual" that we have elevated to dangerous heights.

According to this psalm, even the simplicity of calling out to Him in times of trouble is considered the truer sacrifice. How surprising is that? And how easy? Higher than our ritual is the simple acknowledgement that, in truth, He is what we need. We, like the Israelites, often find rescue in the burnt offering and not in the GOD who is the source of it all. WE find comfort in the song and not in the Comforter. It is a subtle but necessary shift. It is more difficult to find the Creator in a barbeque sandwich than in your favorite Sunday-morning song, but WHEN you do, when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is Living Praise

Devos continued

I want to write them, not with the sole purpose of trying to help others, but for me. Ultimately, i've been, in the past, trying to write personal devos, with a mind to attempt to address issues that might help others. but that went too far, and i lost what it means to do devos...to take some time and devote it to God.

so i'm gonna continue to write, but i will spend time with God, not to impress men. hmm.....if anything, i should just write in a boook somewhere....


we'lll see...

backtracked, but at least i'm now heading in the right direction.

Humility hurts.

Truth hurts.

Discipline hurts.




I'm in a heck of a lot of pain right now.

But God's Son is my Doctor.
His Blood my disinfectant.
His mercy and grace my ointment.

His Love my healing.

I'm in a very WEIRD place right now

I'm almost COMPLETELY lost... assuming that by "completely lost" would mean completely hopeless. I think the last two nights, i've come to the closest to denouncing everything I've believed in and ... then what?

I had wanted to say that this is just an attack of Satan, but for a while i told myself to be wary of saying such a thing and not actually believe it.

Yeah these couple of days, i did some...unofficial, half-intelligent self-evaluations...and there was a point when i thought..."i don't know what it means to love GOD...and if this is the case, then how do i even know who God is?"

Lies!

LIES!

i want to say they're all lies...i just want to blame someone...anyone.

i worry so much about how people will think about me...



A brother said something that hit me hard recently during a deep smallgroup session, where we shared our troubles and struggles, and the common theme of being lost and feeling unauthentic. He said that he was glad to hear us (some other brothers)open up to each other, but was sorta surprised to hear it from us, because he had, in his mind, placed us on the top 5 most spiritual people in CCF. At first i just joked, "Guess we're just THAT good at faking it."

the truth is....i'm just THAT lost.


but all that was not what puts me in a weird place right now.

It's that the God who i can't see, the God who i can't touch, the God who i can't feel love for.....is...still holding on to me?...or....in a more sadistic way of putting it....my emotions are so fickle, and upon hearing, or seeing someone beautiful, i can't help but FEEEEEL there IS a God, and that He DOES care.

Weird: i feel God when i think He doesn't exist, and when i know He exists, i don't feel Him. there's this separation of my logic and emotion. And i think back to the definition of Love that Voddie provided, where love is AN ACT OF THE WILL...but it is also ACCOMPANIED BY EMOTIONS.

but the question is....would i still feel HIM if i never believed HIM? Why do i still attribute the faint hope i feel as His hope?

Drew Brown has a song, and the first verse of it is:

You lose yourself to find yourself again

you hold your breath just to get your second wind

and you curse the sky to make me bleed again

you're not fast enough to outrun the truth,

and you know i'm right; it's killing you.

and the chorus is simply:

Give me all you've got, i can take it

show me what you've got, i'm always ready

REACH OUT for love!

cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you.....

i take it back...it's not as much as being in a weird place as it is just me being weird.